Navigating Relationships

Relationships are the cornerstone of our personal growth and happiness. With most countries having to endure lockdowns for numerous months depending on the situation people have either had to spend an increased number of months apart engaging in virtual relationships or they have spent a lot of time in close proximity with their loved ones.

Each of these scenarios have highlighted a wide range of challenges such as an increased sense of loneliness, tough conflict scenarios, overexposure to each other and fatigue. Add to that the fact that working and schooling from home has required that additional roles be played in the home and often you’ll find people saying “this is not what I signed up for!”

It hasn’t been all doom and gloom though because many couples report a new sense of happiness and connection through whether it is having to learn new ways of communicating from a distance or rediscovering the people that they are in immediate contact with every day. But what is the difference between those that are coping well and those that are getting an increasing sense that their relationships are not working?

It might be helpful to evaluate the relationship as a whole and to not only look at it from a lockdown perspective. So ask yourself a few questions such as:

• Has there always been a sense of distrust?

• Have you found it difficult to deal with life’s stressors since before the lockdown?

You can substitute these questions, however it is important to honestly answer if the issues were pre-existing, or if they were created by the lockdowns.

Karney and Bradbury (1995) helped guide us to an understanding of some of the crucial ideas of marital quality and stability. In their research they developed a model that is even relevant today as people navigate their relationships through one of the biggest human challenges globally of the last century. The three man components that help us navigate relationships are Vulnerability, Stress and Adaptation.

Vulnerability:

Enduring vulnerabilities can be seen as the personal baggage that make it difficult to engage in relationships in a meaningful way. These vulnerabilities can range from personal experiences to psychological realities as well as behavioural vulnerabilities.

Stressors:

Life is tough and there are many events that take their toll on relationships. Financial difficulties, personal loss and other life events of the same magnitude certainly add stress to relationships.

Adaptation:

Couples who are able to navigate change through supportive actions, a positive approach to problem solving and enjoying the journey together are more effective at maintaining a healthy and enduring relationship.

The problem is that increased personal vulnerabilities and added stressors diminish people’s ability to adapt. Also, vulnerabilities can create more stressors whereas stressors can also create more enduring vulnerabilities. It can therefore become a cycle that creates n unfortunate downward spiral.

What is next?

I once asked a family member who achieved great success in business and personally (plus married for 40+ years) that was nearing retirement what his biggest asset was in navigating life, his answer was simple - “It has been my and my wife’s ability to adapt to change that has helped us the most”

The invitation is then for us to apply ourselves to adaptability as this is the biggest asset that you could cultivate in your relationships. It is too often that people say “I wish things could go back to normal” - but what is normal? Were you really that much better off in your relationship before the lockdown? Or has the lockdown perhaps only been a light that has shined on the cracks of a relationship that is yearning for more adaptability as a strategy for the vulnerabilities and stressors of life?

An new future

Our reality is that the lockdowns are going to come to an end at one stage or another, then we’ll have to adapt again. But what if the virus (or some other human catastrophe) comes back in 12 months time? - We adapt again.

Dr Phil always used to ask - “How’s that working out for you?” - That’s because for some reason we can see what others should do differently but when it comes to ourselves we tend to do the same things over and over again without changing strategies… in other words, we don’t adapt quickly enough. The thing is that every time we make proper adjustments we slowly but surely alter the trajectory of our relationship. Perhaps it is time to start with small practical changes that would help soften the blow of life’s vulnerabilities and stressors:

Start saving money - Don’t buy what you can’t afford. Don’t make dept

Time - Evaluate how you spend your time and with whom. Adjust where needed

Invest in your relationship - You don’t have to be in a bad space in order to seek marriage enrichment. Couples that constantly invest in their relationship become their own counsellors.

Talk - Talk about the things that you have not been able to talk about until now

These practical things are only starting blocks and you can edit them to suit your situation as long as you hear the invitation to adapt and make adjustments where needed.

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