When are we ready to talk to someone about our relationship?

Couples come to see me for various reasons. Some like to prepare themselves for marriage, so things are going well but they still want to look at their relationship and grow in their understanding of themselves and their partner. Other people simply want to invest in their relationship in order to keep the relationship in a healthy state. There are also couples who have reached an impasse where either an event or a series of events has caused them to calculate that this is now a make or break moment for them.

Whatever the reason for speaking to someone, people have an idea of how they would like their relationships to function and they generally want things to get better. However the results from consultations vary and there are times when couples are simply not yet ready to speak to someone. The following are two things to consider before making an appointment with a relationship guide.

People are looking for a magic pill

In relationships things are often quite complicated and having an objective person asking the right questions and guiding in some areas can be helpful, however there is usually no quick solution to things as the actual breakthroughs in relationships often do not occur during the sessions with a coach/counsellor/therapist but rather during everyday life when the couple applies new strategies to their relationship. So the question is, are you willing to do the work?

Until you are willing to apply new strategies through a series of choices and actions the results will be minimal.

People want their partner to change

If I want my reality to change then I have two choices, either I change my perspective on things or I change my approach to things. In other words the problem usually lies within myself. Here’s the thing, you can’t force someone else to change but you can change yourself and even if your partner does things that drive you up the walls those “things” are quite often not the real issue in the relationship.

The issue is that most times people are only willing to grow (change) when they see the other one growing first, so it becomes very transactional - “I will only do this on condition that you do that”. The sessions then turn into major negotiations with neither person willing to concede any territory.

I have found that it is minimally about the advice that is given, the circumstances surrounding the situation and the person sitting in from of you guiding the process. It is more about the couple’s approach, willingness and commitment and these are things that they have to walk into the room with and choose beforehand.

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